My mother (age 86) heard of someone visiting an elder “just for the inheritance”. She responded “I would hate to think that the only reason someone visited me was for what they would inherit.” I’m pleased to tell you that my mother is blessed with four children who adore her, and would far rather have her than any assets she has. We are blessed with a great Mom whom we adore. Truly.
But she is unique in that.
Obnoxious, abusive, parents exist, and people are ready to let go them go, inheritance or not. Seriously, I am amazed that some people get visited at all. They openly tell people they don’t like the presents they brought, they do something else entirely during the visit and ignore the guests, they exaggerate their condition for sympathy (“Crying wolf”), and they create the kind of visit where the visitors are waiting to find the excuse to leave.
I have no intention of being one of these parents whose children dread spending time with, so I am observing both the annoying and ideal behaviors of my elders in order to ensure I am loved and revered the way my mom is. Here is what I notice-
1) Kindness goes a very long way. People notice a sincere appreciation of their attention, and will respond with a continuation of it.
2) If you were an abusive parent, I suggest you come clean with that by apologizing (including an explanation, if possible) and offering a very sincere conversation around what you can do to make up for it and go forward anew.
3) An inheritance does not guarantee someone will truly love you. Money cannot buy love. By all means, give that money to whomever you want, but anyone who truly cares about you will not be worried about that money.
4) I encourage you not to lie and/or mislead. Crying wolf over your health is a sure way to get people to stop caring. You’re old – the truth about how you feel is plenty.
5) My dad said “there is nothing wrong with a bribe”. I like to think what he meant is that it’s worth it to sweeten the pot. People visiting? Have some nice (fresh) food around to serve or take them out. Will they be sleeping over? Have a comfortable mattress (seriously, if the bed sucks, they’ll visit you less). Make sure the house is clean and smells nice (incense is better than a spray I promise you), and open windows are great for flushing a place out. Prevent the place from being a stale, smelly, old-person’s house, and instead be a lovely place to stay. And btw, in case your visitors want to stay in a hotel, know the local hotel(s) so you can recommend a good one. If you can afford it, pay for their room. Make it easy for them to visit. And finally, keep some good toys around for kids to play with (talk with the toy store, and/or visit a 2nd Hand Store for bargains) and know where the local playgrounds and swimming holes are. If kids are having fun, the parents will visit more often and with them.
6) On a different “bribe” note – give gifts they want. If things are tight for them, give cash. If not, ask what they’d like – show tickets? A coupon at a certain restaurant? Get something they wouldn’t get themselves. If they say they need nothing. honor that and put that money towards a better visit with you when they come.
7) If you are low on funds, then you REALLY want to be kind and appreciative. SUPER kind, sincere, and just lovely to be with. That genuinely is enough.
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