I've been married (this time) for a bit more than 2 months now, and while I'm no expert, I can definitely say that we are doing really well! We have some tricks that I thought I'd share, as I learned them somewhere between my last marriage and this one, and they are working remarkably well.
Talk about it.
Lance's great line for me is "Geeg, talk to me" as I forget sometimes to do that. Seriously. And that's an example of how we forget the obvious by the way. Talking might be painful, but it's absurdly easy. And if nothing else, it's a starting point right?
Find some tools
Honestly, if there is a problem that the internet isn't a help with, I really think you're asking the wrong question. There are book reviews, relationship gurus, sex gurus (of note - reidaboutsex.com is a real favorite of mine. He's a "sexpert" sure, but his relationship wisdom is fantastic. His explaining jealousy alone really is wonderful. I highly recommend checking him out...and I'm not even part of his group). There are lots of resources out there - find them!
Use your tools
I'm 62 as I write this...and my wisdom at this point in my life is pretty good. I've learned a lot, and I'm using that knowledge to help us be a better couple. So is (my husband) Lance by the way. We have books, websites, experienced friends...and we consult them as needed.
Look at the root of the problem
So ok, a BIG jump in our figuring out how to deal with something was actually to get to the root of the issue. When we get mad, for example, and like IMMEDIATELY, we talk about the fear behind that anger. Anger is based in fear. Identify the fear and you're really clear on what the REAL problem is. My latest issue (thing I was angry with) was his spending (in my mind) too much time taking care of the land here (mowing etc). So ok, what was I afraid of? I was scared that I didn't really fit into his life and our marriage was doomed, I shouldn't have let go of my place, and that I'd never find another place to live. Solution? I let him know all this, we talked through it, and we are working through how to reduce his chores around here (like having a landscaping friend come and make suggestions), and I'm seeing these feelings I have and working through them. Absurdly easy.
But communicating is the big thing team. Figure out how you work. You know, my anger is pretty scary, and one of the first things I did when I got mad at Lance was to leave before I caused (verbally) any harm (I can be verbally vicious). He, however, wanted to talk, and immediately. That was not an option for me. We came up with a formula that works for us both:
I have to take 3 deep breaths (very hard when I'm angry, and it calms me down)
I have to identify what I am afraid of
He gets to say something SHORT
I get to leave
This process allows him to understand where I am and give him an opportunity to help. It gives me an opportunity to know I can leave as part of the system and feel clear that it's ok to have space. What's interesting is that once we're in this process, I actually never "need" to leave. We've created a safe space, and we end up talking it through. This is what works for US, and we found it together....well...ok, it was mostly Lance. I was pretty cool on just leaving so I could calm down and return later and talk. He pointed out that the problem there is that things are forgotten, so the "what-actually-happened" can get lost. True. Oh - his anger is completely different btw, so we use a revised version of this, and again, effectively.
The point is, talking really can work. But hey, if at least one of you isn't into talking, then find a way that works. Maybe send emails so you have time to think in between statements, or maybe hire an intermediary to help you. But deal with it.
I'm no expert gang, this is what works for us. And we're still happily married and optimistic!! :-) I think it's a good bet we'll last a while. :-) That's the very clear intention we're holding and manifesting. WOOHOO!
Note on the picture - I found this in my collection of animal photos that I like. It was missing the photographer so I did that reverse-image-search thing and found multiple postings, but no name. If anyone can find the artist, please tell me and I'll fix that here. Artists should get credit.
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